Wizards at the Ministry of Magic who study the statistics of the Wizarding population have discovered a disturbing trend among this generation’s pureblood population– the squib population has nearly tripled within the last three years in families which do not have any muggle born witches or wizard in them!
Since squibs are considered shameful and something to hide, this has not been a quantifyable phenomenon in the past. Even with the stigma attached, it is now becoming more prevalent at an alarming rate. It is for this reason, that the statistic branch of the Ministry has determined it an important –if difficult– area of study.

Some wizards are using the traditional muggle science of “genetics” (not to be confused with the more controversial genetical engineering) to explain the recent increase in squib births. As one witch, who chose to remain anonymous for the purpose of this inquiry, puts it, “It’s all the inbreeding. Pureblood families have children from the same pureblood families year after year….we are determining that this dilutes some of the magical powers of certain bloodlines… Of course, they will never admit it. Too proud.”

On the other hand, the influx of muggle born witches and wizards and mixed blood families seem to have very little, if no squib children at all in them.

The results of this study, of course, have been more than controversial for many reasons. Some say that “genetics” is just muggle nonsense, and others say that the squib population in the past was killed off, whereas today we just hide them away. However, the ministry is still alarmed by these statistics and not sure what they are going to do with the results.

Rest assured, we here at the Quibbler will let you know as soon as we find out!

What’s a kitchen witch?

By now we’ve all seen some pretty hilarious kitchen witch dolls. You may even have one hanging in your kitchen. While this is probably the first thing that spring to mind when most people hear the term kitchen witch, I’d like to lodge a formal complaint: I am a kitchen witch, the genuine, authentic, 100% real deal. I am certainly not , constructed of a bit of pantyhose, fabric scraps and mono-filament wire!

I work magic in the manner that was taught to me while tugging on my Nana’s apron strings. I work with herbs and produce, with sea salt and olive oil. I visualize magical workings and then realize wonderful food. My favorite cauldron is the trusty cast iron skillet my mother gave to me. I suspect that this branch of magic appeals to me be because it is so tangible. I feel the earth vibrating in my hands as I prepare vegetables, I am immersed in the power of air as the scent of spices fill my nostrils, fire is at my command as I pan sear a bit of fish and water speaks to me, bubbling away in the pasta pot. What matters to a kitchen witch is the power of intention.

Yummy food is a happy by product.

Since this is my first column, I want to share with you a couple of my favorite recipes. One is for a yummy summery dish and the other is a recipe, of sorts, for creating a witch’s bottle to keep your kitchen safe.

Summer Pudding

• 2 lbs assorted summer berries
• 2 lbs sugar
• 10 slices stale bread, crusts removed
• Whipped crème

Clean berries as appropriate, remove stems and/or tops. Place in a bowl and cover with sugar. Mix gently and sit aside for one hour.

Line a greased bowl with 7-8 slices of the bread. Try to arrange them so there are no cracks. Add the berries and juices. Cover with remaining slices of bread. Place a plate inside the bowl and weight it down with a can of soup (or something similar). You may want to put a plate under the bowl to catch any drips. Refrigerate for at least 8 hours. To serve, turn out of the bowl onto a serving platter and serve with whipped crème.

Kitchen Witches Protection Bottle
(To ward off kitchen catastrophes)

• 1 small glass bottle with a stopper
• 3 stick pins
• 3 needles
• 3 small nails
• 1 clove of garlic, peeled
• 1 sprig dried thyme
• Sea salt
• 1 red candle

Place inside the bottle: 3 pins, 3 needles, and 3 nails add a peeled clove of garlic (or grind if no room) add some dried thyme. Finish by filling up with sea salt. Visualize your kitchen happy & safe. Place on the lid and seal with red wax from the candle.

Turn the jar over 9 times and say “bless my kitchen and protect all that I do here”. Place it some where safe in your kitchen- perhaps in the back of a cupboard.

P.S.
Next time you happen across one of those kitchen witches with a bit of pantyhose for a head flying round a kitchen on the end of a bit of mono-filament, give that old bat a whack for me? Those horrid things have GOT to go.

A dark evil wizard tried to burn down the leaky but was foiled by the sheer willpower of the unamused. Amazing!

Fashion at Hogwarts has been stifled by a decree from the headmistress reaffirming the traditional and old-fashioned standards of dress, especially for the young ladies. It is the young men at the school that seem to be disappointed by the enforcements of the new standards of decorum, unsurprisingly.

There are many rumors circulating about a newly hatched nest of dragons somewhere in the vicinity of the castle. Will these pose a threat when they grow up? Do they even exist?

A Phoenix has been seen pecking around the square again. She rather likes peanuts, so make sure that you have one on hand if you want to coax her into letting you pet her. She also seems to rather like a certain Hufflepuff with the initials”C.” Perhaps that is because he is nutters too.

Ladies, you REALLY want to think twice before accepting the “Enchated Martini” from the depraved bar wench in the Trolls Head. Men, you may want to consult a healer if the enchantment doesn’t wear off after 4-6 hours.

There are two pairs of twins in Ravenclaw now! The girls are charming but one of them seems to have a rather foul mouth when jealous or provoked. The boys are rather touchy and flamboyant Americans — but with an impeccable pureblood background.

Several new ghosts have been seen moaning about the castle. it’s good to see that they feel comfortable coming back to their old haunting habits… say hello if you see, erm, don’t see them!

Please, if you see Auror Cortes, don’t refer to him as “Captain America” to his face. The gentleman is very powerful within the Ministry of magic and has a vast arsenal of weapons which he can use for retribution against those who offend and — trust me — you don’t want *that*!

The shop windows in Wizards Alley are NOT an appropriate place to go snogging. Even if you think you are Paris’ gift to women, Hogwarts, and the world.

Otherwise, dearies, it’s been strangely quiet. I’m not sure if this is the dark before the dawn, the calm before the storm, or something even stranger?

The Quibbler magazine is facing a staffing crisis and may have to close up shop if something isn’t done and soon. Everhard Lovegood, a full time staff reporter, has moved on to find other opportunities. And we, his friends, wish him the best.

As you are no doubt aware, the quibbler has always been a niche publication. We offer the truth about the Wizarding World. We offer it even when we risk retribution from the Ministry of Magic; even when nobody believes what we publish. We offer you the truth.

We operate with a very small staff and our steadfast refusal to be bullied by the Ministry of Magic often leaves us short on funds and short on time as we try and publish the next issue while dealing with the backlash from controversial articles.

Mr. Lovegood has left for an excellent opportunity and we don’t begrudge him anything for his decision. It has, however, opened up an opportunity for new staff writers to join the flock.

If you are a budding young writer with a desire to reveal the truth, consequences be damned, then we are looking for you.

The Quibbler will be accepting submissions from freelancers and potential staffers for the next several articles.

Send a sample article of about 300 words (that’s less than 1 page typed) to Curious Rousselot in Second Life for the opportunity to be published. Open to all role players and potential role-players in Hogwarts Reborn.

Dear Miss Merlot,

I’m afraid one of my teachers in a vampire. What should I do?
Signed,
Meek in Hufflepuff

Dear Meek,

Yes, I know that some teachers ask you to do so much work for them it seems like they are asking you for blood! However, this does *not* mean that your professors are Vampires! According to the ministry of magic, vampires are not even allowed to carry wands, so it would make it very difficult for a vampire to teach a class of any substance at Hogwarts.
If this does not put your mind at ease, I suggest eating a lot of garlic. This *will* keep them away, according to my sources in the ministry of magic. However, it will also probably keep everyone else away as well. You will need to weigh the benefits and risks to your social life if you choose to follow this course of action.

Dear Miss Merlot,

There is this really cute guy in Ravenclaw I’ve wanted to ask to the last couple of Raves, but I am not sure that he likes me. I am thinking about using a love potion on him to get him to go with me. What do you think?
Signed
Needs Him to Notice

Dear Needy,

As I have reminded people again and again, love potions do *not* cause someone to fall in love, because that is impossible. Instead, that “really cute Ravenclaw guy” is going to be obsessed and infatuated with you, which I assure you will get OLD– fast. You want someone who will go to the Rave and dance with you– not someone who will follow you every hour of the day and get jealous if you talk to any other guy. We also call them “stalkers.”

Okay, enough of my lectture on love potion misuse.

The easiest way to find out if someone likes you is very simple: ASK. If you don’t want to do it in person, owls were trained for this very purpose. A well written missive on fine parchment will be appreciated if you keep it short, direct, and — since he is a Ravenclaw– make sure you check your spelling!

If– the heavens forbid– he says no, This is not the third coming of the Dark Lord. Go to the Rave, have fun, and know that there are plenty of other up and coming wizards in the castle .

Dear Miss Merlot,
My roommate wants me to come visit her family over the winter holidays, but one of her parents is a muggle. Is there any danger if I do this?
Pureblood

Dear P.B.,

There is nothing “contagious” about being in the same living quarters with a muggle, and if you act as if there is something wrong with your roommates parent, you are going to be considered rude. With this in mind, here are a couple of things you should remember.

1. It is impolite to be caught gaping, staring or laughing at the unusual things that the muggle may do or say.
2. Unlike wizarding folks, muggles do not consider themselves handicapped by their lack of magic. Please do not look upon the muggle with pity or derision.
3. Although the muggle may be used to it, they are probably sickof comparisons of “the way we do things” to “the way they do things.” Unless they bring up this line of conversation, shy away from it to more neutral subjects.

However, since the muggle in question is married to and has children in the wizarding world, you may be quite surprised at what you find!

Remember, when staying in someones house, you should always bring a gift, and should always write a thank you owl after you have left . A reciprocal invite is not always possible, but is appreciated when it can be extended. Have a happy trip!

Hello all! The first week of classes has been very busy, and I have kept my eyes and ears open for all sorts of tidbits of gossip around town. Here are a few to tantalize!

*If you see R.K., don’t commend her on her weight loss. It turns out that while she was missing on break, she hadn’t eaten all that time, and hasn’t been on Madame Maxine’s Grapefruit diet. She is not pleased with your compliments.

*Quite a few visitors from Drumstrang have been seen at the school, including one handsome visitor named “S” bringing lovely gifts of fur-lined attired for a certain Ravenclaw, also named “S.” If things heat up anymore between them, throw that lovely cloak and hat my way, because things are awfully cold for me here at night!

*Professor Broome, besides being skilled in Arithamancy, is rumored to be skilled at discipline. Rumor has it that he made a popular Hufflepuff first year comb out the hair of all the rats in the upper dungeon during “P’s” detention last week. Ouch!

* “B”, a boisterous Slytherin 7th year, has been going around accusing everyone from Ravenclaw first years to haunted protraits of killing her mother to get to her father. We’re sorry for your loss honey, but Oedipal, much?

*Brother and sister team “T”and “E” are living in a French chateau donated to them by their father. (We should all be so lucky.) Rumor has it, a certain new medical professional has shacked up with one, or both, of them. Oooh lalala!!

*Do NOT call a certain potions professor “Professor Shortstuff.” He does not like it and you may end up fearing for your life.

*It may just be this reporter’s opinion, but there are some wizards on campus that are in dire need of a “muggle makeover.” Hey S.A.! I’m talking to you! Can we say, “White and Nerdy”?

*Speaking of which, Auror Cortes, I’m not sure if “Captain America” is the right look for you. This reporter might book you and S.A. on the next episode of “House Elves for your Bad Selves,” and let those fabulous four little elves have their way with you…. Black *is* the new black, you know…

Write for the Quibber

The quibbler is always looking for writers. Do you like writing
fan-fiction? Short stories and poems will be published along with the
more traditional articles.

Submit your articles to
Curious Rousselot.

Advertise in the Quibbler

2-for-1 deal till the end of June! Pay for one week and your ad runs for
2 weeks!

250L – Test ad (up to 100 words)
500L – Image ad (250 x 250 pixels)

Contact Curious Rousselot
for details.
]]> http://quibblermagazine.wordpress.com/2007/07/17/work-for-the-quibbler-its-all-true/feed/ 6 curiousrousselot http://quibblermagazine.wordpress.com/2007/07/17/quibbler-witch-or-wizard-of-the-week-%e2%80%93-merlot-zymurgy/ http://quibblermagazine.wordpress.com/2007/07/17/quibbler-witch-or-wizard-of-the-week-%e2%80%93-merlot-zymurgy/#comments Tue, 17 Jul 2007 01:12:05 +0000 curiousrousselot http://quibblermagazine.wordpress.com/2007/07/17/quibbler-witch-or-wizard-of-the-week-%e2%80%93-merlot-zymurgy/ ]]> By: Everhardt Lovegood

In this week’s Quibbler spotlight is Merlot Zymurgy, Barmaid at the Troll’s Head Pub. Ms. Zymurgy is a recent Hogwarts Alumna who finished her NEWTS just this past spring. Known for her quick-change hair and quicker wits, Merlot is the toast of the Troll. Lest patrons get too frisky there, she notes that she was head of the Wizard Dueling Team during her 6th and 7th year. “I loved the wizarding dueling club when I was in it, and I am thinking of trying to be the advisor and start it up again.”

Merlot’s family has a proud past, “…there was no question really that I was going to be a Slytherin. Both my parents were, and all of their parents as well. So it was a family legacy. My mum died when I was young, so I didn’t really know her, but I was always daddy’s little girl.” Merlot adds that she has always been bookish. Some of her favorite books include Magical Water Plants of the Mediterranean, Modern Magical History, and Muggles Who Notice — There are plenty of wizards who notice, too, Merlot!

Asked if she knew of any dark creatures in the Hogwarts vicinity, she replied, “Oh yes! Working as a barmaid means you hear all kinds of information about these things. I know that I have a reputation as a gossip. But this is NOT true. The bar is the place where the gossip happens. So I am not a source, merely a conduit.” She then proceeded to regale this reporter with a tidbit about a certain well-known citizen, “H”, and his house elf – a story for another column, perhaps…

Returning to the topic of dark creatures, the Quibbler asked if she thought that the Ministry and the Hogwarts administration are doing enough to control such creatures and keep the students safe? She responded: “I believe that the professors and staff at Hogwarts are doing their best to keep everything under control. When magical forces are at work, not everything can be controlled. So you shouldn’t even try. And a lot of the students are a lot brighter than we give them credit for, I think. They know who the wolves are. They know if there are vampires around. And they know the consequences of messing with them.” And consequences can be severe, at least for the dark creature itself. The Quibbler has exclusively learned that Ms. Zymurgy put her dueling skills to good use against at a furry interloper at the most recent full moon, single-handedly netting and ejecting said lupine miscreant when he failed to take his wolfsbane potion faithfully!

At the tender age of 19, though, Ms. Zymurgy seems unsure as to her future, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Can you imagine that? A Slytherin without ambition?” This reporter found that this lackadaisical attitude has caused quite some tension between her and her father, to the point that he has thrown her out of the house. This is perhaps why she is now living in a squalid little room above the Troll’s Head.

About her social life, she says, “Sometimes I go to the dances at the Leaky Cauldron, It was a lot nicer there before the sudden flea infestation problem they have had. I don’t understand why, frankly they should really get some of Mrs. Scower’s All Purpose Magical Mess Remover, or some Doxycide, or something…” She denies being in a romantic relationship currently, but admitted to a series of less than stellar pairings in her recent past, including one fellow whom she suspected of being a vampire! What next, Merlot – a werewolf??

Be that as it may, Ms. Zymurgy says that one of the best aspects of her job is the people that she meets. “I try to get along with everyone… students of every house, adults of every inclination no matter their ultimate goal… If someone has a problem with me, it makes me sad.” Truly a Slytherin with a heart!

Asked if she had anything else to tell the Quibbler’s readership about herself, she responded, “I don’t know. If I tend to be blunt, that’s just my nature. Don’t take offense.” None taken, Merlot.

Peter Sakai, local haunt in the Hogwarts greenhouse, somehow escaped his haunting grounds to perform a rockin’ concert in celebration of the American Independence Day this past Wednesday. On stage alone for more than an hour he remained corporeal and played his own incredible tunes as well as music from David Gray, Jimmi Hendrix, and traditional Amrrican Patriotic tunes.

The audience went wild several with uncontrollable applause and several people practically rushed the stage they were so overcome with emotion upon hearing the dulcet tones of the sweet ghost’s voice. In observance of the holiday flags were waved, sparklers were passed around, and the whole show ended with an incredible fireworks display!

Several thousand linden were also raised by this benefit for the Hogwarts New Sim fund. We can only hope that Peter is able to muster the ability to stay corporeal often enough to sing sweetly more often!

Advertise in the Quibbler

2-for-1 deal EXTENDED untill the end of August! Pay for one week and your ad runs for2 weeks!

250L – Test ad (up to 100 words)
500L – Image ad (250 x 250 pixels)

Contact Curious Rousselot for details.
]]> http://quibblermagazine.wordpress.com/2007/07/10/30/feed/ 0 curiousrousselot