Miss Merlot Zymurgy is the Barmaid at the Trolls Head Pub in KnockOff Alley, Runs Errands for Deputy Headmistress Wylder Pan, and was raised in a Slytherin Pureblood household of impeccable manners. Please Address your owls with questions regarding etiquitte, manners, or other problems in your wizarding life to her.
Dear Miss Merlot,
I’m afraid one of my teachers in a vampire. What should I do?
Signed,
Meek in Hufflepuff
Dear Meek,
Yes, I know that some teachers ask you to do so much work for them it seems like they are asking you for blood! However, this does *not* mean that your professors are Vampires! According to the ministry of magic, vampires are not even allowed to carry wands, so it would make it very difficult for a vampire to teach a class of any substance at Hogwarts.
If this does not put your mind at ease, I suggest eating a lot of garlic. This *will* keep them away, according to my sources in the ministry of magic. However, it will also probably keep everyone else away as well. You will need to weigh the benefits and risks to your social life if you choose to follow this course of action.
Dear Miss Merlot,
There is this really cute guy in Ravenclaw I’ve wanted to ask to the last couple of Raves, but I am not sure that he likes me. I am thinking about using a love potion on him to get him to go with me. What do you think?
Signed
Needs Him to Notice
Dear Needy,
As I have reminded people again and again, love potions do *not* cause someone to fall in love, because that is impossible. Instead, that “really cute Ravenclaw guy” is going to be obsessed and infatuated with you, which I assure you will get OLD– fast. You want someone who will go to the Rave and dance with you– not someone who will follow you every hour of the day and get jealous if you talk to any other guy. We also call them “stalkers.”
Okay, enough of my lectture on love potion misuse.
The easiest way to find out if someone likes you is very simple: ASK. If you don’t want to do it in person, owls were trained for this very purpose. A well written missive on fine parchment will be appreciated if you keep it short, direct, and — since he is a Ravenclaw– make sure you check your spelling!
If– the heavens forbid– he says no, This is not the third coming of the Dark Lord. Go to the Rave, have fun, and know that there are plenty of other up and coming wizards in the castle .
Dear Miss Merlot,
My roommate wants me to come visit her family over the winter holidays, but one of her parents is a muggle. Is there any danger if I do this?
Pureblood
Dear P.B.,
There is nothing “contagious” about being in the same living quarters with a muggle, and if you act as if there is something wrong with your roommates parent, you are going to be considered rude. With this in mind, here are a couple of things you should remember.
1. It is impolite to be caught gaping, staring or laughing at the unusual things that the muggle may do or say.
2. Unlike wizarding folks, muggles do not consider themselves handicapped by their lack of magic. Please do not look upon the muggle with pity or derision.
3. Although the muggle may be used to it, they are probably sickof comparisons of “the way we do things” to “the way they do things.” Unless they bring up this line of conversation, shy away from it to more neutral subjects.
However, since the muggle in question is married to and has children in the wizarding world, you may be quite surprised at what you find!
Remember, when staying in someones house, you should always bring a gift, and should always write a thank you owl after you have left . A reciprocal invite is not always possible, but is appreciated when it can be extended. Have a happy trip!
